This Christmas

In the travel section of the Mercury News this morning, there was an article about Christmas in Barcelona. Although I am not a huge fan of the city, the writer stated one of the biggest truths I have come to know in life--”Like so many things in life...Christmas is better in Spain.” That being said, I am off to Spain for a little over ten days tomorrow to spend some time with my boyfriend and family in Sevilla. After a bit of a nontraditional Christmas season here in the United States, I am ready for some much needed (although I’m not sure deserved) R&R and very much looking forward to the “many things in life” that are simply better in Spain.

This Christmas has been unconventional to say the least in the DeBarr house. Losing both of my grandparents this year meant no Patterson family Christmas on Christmas Eve, and having never experienced a Christmas Eve without my mom’s side of the family, I must say that I miss it already. Yesterday wasn’t quite the same. We didn’t go to midnight mass, there was no Christmas grace said by my mom at Christmas Eve dinner, and we didn’t take turns wearing Carlos’ annual Christmas hat. We didn’t dish up my grandmother’s plate for her and we didn’t have any chocolate truffles for dessert--my Grandpa’s favorite. However, this is not to say that unconventional is bad. We went to 6:00pm mass instead of midnight mass, had lasagna for Christmas Eve dinner instead of turkey, and still watched “The Santa Clause” before going to sleep.

Unconventional, I’ve decided, is just new and different. This Christmas for us is about celebrating old traditions and creating new ones--remembering the loved ones we have lost along the way and knowing how lucky we are to have all of the family that we do. Christmas is about much more than gifts and traditions--it’ about family and love, and cherishing both as though nothing else mattered in the world. This Christmas season, I will stay “present.” I will appreciate all that have with grace and action, and hold the memories of those that are no longer here deep in my heart. Love the people who are near and far, living and deceased, and love in action.

I am off to Spain tomorrow morning and will be blogging from there. I am more excited than ever to go back “home” for the first time in over a year. This will be a trip full of family, food, adventure, and love, and I can’t wait. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas of the expected food and family, and little unexpected fun and love. For now, I’ll say “hasta pronto y Feliz Navidad.”

With love,
Kel

Resolution Re-dos

Today is Fat Tuesday—a day that, in my opinion, was actually made for breaking all of our New Year’s resolutions in one day. It is the one day of the year that we (Catholics, Christian’s, and anyone else who pretends to be) have an excuse to eat/do anything and everything we so choose. Because let’s face it—most of our New Year’s resolutions have to do with dieting, weight loss, and exercise. So today is the day we are given permission by God himself to break those resolutions in preparation for a fresh start tomorrow—Ash Wednesday (aka: the resolution re-do day).

59 days after making my New Year’s resolutions I will admit that I have not been 100 % faithful in my commitment to them. No, I have not gone to mass every single Sunday since promising myself I would on January 9^th, but I love going to mass with my grandparents when I do get to go (even if it means waking up at 6:30am on a Sunday morning. No, I haven’t been running, swimming or doing yoga as much as I would like to, but I make sure to keep all of these activities a part of my routine in some way. I run on average 2-3 times a week, I swim about 2 or 3 times a week (minus a few weeks of not swimming at all), and I consistently go to yoga every Monday night.

I have been only partially committed to what I wanted to be completely committed. But how many people actually fully commit to their resolution every single day of the year? I’m betting not many. If we did, I fear we would miss out on some very important and necessary moments throughout the year. For this reason alone, I am not upset with nor disappointed in myself for breaking my resolutions every once in a while, because I believe that every time I have failed to meet my expectation (for lack of a better word) a good memory was created without any guilt associated with it.

Each time I have missing swimming or running or mass, it has been for something important in the moment. I’ve gotten to spend lots of time with my 3 month old niece and watch her grow bigger almost every week. I have also gotten to spend time with good friends from college. I got to spend a fantastic weekend in San Diego with my best friend, who I would normally only see 3 or 4 times a year. I’ve had the opportunity to babysit all of my favorite kids. And finally, I’ve have the wonderful opportunity to coach swimming for Mitty. I love what I don’t miss because of the few times I give up my commitment to my resolutions, if that makes sense.

So, in the spirit of Lent, I am not only hoping to re-do my New Year’s Resolutions, but I will also be giving up sweets for the next 40 days. I have also believed that you are not only supposed to give up something during Lent, but also add something to your life—do something extra. For myself and for others, I am going to start volunteering at a hospital. Since high school, I feel as though I’ve lost touch with reading out to those in need, and I hope to help for the next 40 days and beyond in any way I can. Enjoy your resolution re-dos, everyone!

New Year's Resolutions (and why we can never remember what they were at the end of the year...)

We are 9 days into the New Year and I have yet to make my New Year’s resolution(s). Every year I say to myself, “This year I am going to make a concrete resolution and commit to it. This is the year that I won’t cheat and will actually do something to somehow better my life.” I don’t know about any of you, but when I make my resolutions on January 1st each year, I never remember what they are come next year’s January 1st.

Making resolutions is like telling yourself that you are going to work as hard as you can (giving 100%) every single day at work for the next year without breaks and without complaining, or like making sure you eat a veggie, fruit, meat, dairy, and starch at every single meal. Of course, both of these things would be nearly impossible to accomplish. No one can give 100% 365 days a year without having a major meltdown, and no one could eat that much of a “balanced” diet at every single meal for a year without going crazy. Resolutions are about making plans, or, more specifically, making a plan for an entire year. People make resolutions (myself included) like, “This year I am going to eat healthier and exercise to lose weight,” or “This year I’m going spend money only on things I need.” What do these mean?? Talk about intimidating goals. Then, when something comes up one day and we can’t make it to the gym, we end up thinking, “Well, there goes my New Year’s Resolution” and stop trying to fulfill it almost altogether.This, though, is how we operate—we are planners and we like to make sure everything is planned out far into the future.

We like that security of knowing what will happen each day/week/month, and we like to know what we will be doing, where we will be, who we will be with. Plans make us feel like we have our lives under control, and so do New Year’s resolutions. But our plans don’t always work, and we don’t always have everything under control. In fact, I would say that 40-50% of my plans don’t end up happening.

The other day, I met with my 2nd grade teacher for coffee and we had a wonderful conversation about life, obstacles, and plans (the ones we make, the ones we don’t, and everything in between). I explained that not having a plan scared me to death. She then said something very important that I had forgotten somewhere along the way. She reminded me that we all make plans, but really, many of them don’t happen. An emergency comes up, or we need to take care of something or someone. Our plans are often interrupted, and just when we think we’ve got everything under control, we realize we don’t. “Our” plans are not actually our's—they are Gods, and when plans don’t work out as we had hoped, chances are there is a reason. My not teaching might have opened a door for someone else, or maybe it will lead me to something I love so much that I won’t ever want to not do it, or maybe I’ll go back to teaching in some form somewhere down the road. My “teacher” (even still) said it much more eloquently than this, but the conversation resonated with me and I will never forget it.

I think the reason why people don’t follow through with or don’t remember their New Year’s resolutions at the end of the year is because people start doing them out of obligation. They eventually end up giving up on their resolutions because they became something they felt like they had to do, rather than something they would like to do better, or something they want to work on for themselves.

So, this year, I am going to make 2 kinds of New Year’s resolutions—superficial (traditional/tangible) and “A Better Me” resolution. My typical/traditional resolution is that I am going to try to get back into masters swimming, keep up yoga, and keep learning to like running. Specifically, my goal is to enter at least 3 swim meets and 3 5K/10K races by the end of the year. My other “Better Me” resolution is something I’m going to do for myself. The first one of these resolutions is to look into going back to school to find out what I really want. I am going to promise myself that I will take at least 1 class. The second one of these resolutions is I will start going to mass every Sunday again. My faith is very important to me, and I have not returned to God the many blessings I have been given.

Yes, I realize that many of my resolutions are things that I can’t fully promise myself I will do and “plan on,” but I am not doing these resolutions because I feel obligated—I am doing them for me and only me. If for some reason I don’t accomplish these resolutions, there will be good reason, I promise you that.This is what I have learned from not having a plan—DON’T FEEL OBLIGATED by anyone, including yourself. Don’t fulfill your New Year’s resolutions because you feel like you have to—if you do, you probably won’t accomplish l them and may not even remember them come January 1st, 2012. Do your resolutions for you and no one else.

Sincerely,The girl who will accept not having a plan for the moment

P.S.I’m a big believer in not having to make your New Year’s resolutions until you go back to work, which I do tomorrow, so if you’ve already forgotten your NY resolution, start over tomorrow:).

2011

(I know I haven't posted in a very long time, but one of my New Year's Resolutions is to write more, so here if the first entry of the year. Enjoy!)

A few weeks ago, I was asked by my sophomore year high school history teacher, “So what do you want to do?” It sounds like a simple question—there are lots of things people want to do, but I all I could respond with was, “I don’t know.” For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t have a solid plan that would lead me to the answer. My entire life, I have been the responsible girl and I’ve always had plan. When I was little, I wanted to be a good swimmer, so I worked hard at practice and joined a year-round team. I have always loved school and wanted to do well, so I studied—17 years, in fact. In college I declared my major as Early Education because I knew that I wanted to be a teacher and that was the path that would lead me there. When I discovered my other passions—Spanish—I wanted to become fluent. So, I studied abroad for a full year and changed my major to Spanish. I decided, then, that I would teach middle or high school Spanish, so after earning my B.A. in Spanish, I got my teaching credential and student- taught in both a middle and high school. Finally, I lived in Spain for a year and taught English in an elementary school.

When I came back from Spain last summer, I got a job at a private high school teaching 3 different levels of Spanish—my ultimate goal. This is what I had worked so hard for and I considered myself extremely fortunate to have been given this opportunity. This was the dream job at the perfect school with bright and motivated students. I was perfect for the job and everyone else in my life agreed. This was what I thought would be the beginning of my teaching career and the rest of my life. My plan had worked out flawlessly.

A few months into school was when I realized that plans don’t always work out the way you want them to, and sometimes when your plans change, your life changes too. I thought I was a classroom teacher and I thought I would be one for the rest of my career, but it turns out that I’m not. I love kids and I love Spanish, so in college I thought, “Why not put them together and teach?” It seemed like the right thing to do, and (not to sound conceded) I was good at it. I was good at coming up with fun Spanish lesson plans—teaching in ways in which the kids felt like they could relate to both me and the material. I loved spending time with my students in and outside of class. I was becoming more skilled at classroom management, lesson-planning and grading. I was qualified and well-trained with experience. But after 2 years of teaching high school, I realized that I didn’t like most of the job—something I think I always knew privately but never wanted to admit because I believed  I had no other option. I didn’t like lesson-planning, grading, giving tests and quizzes. What I loved about teaching was the relationships I formed with each student and teaching kids not only my subject matter but life lessons along the way. It sounds corny and unconventional, but that’s the kind of teacher I wanted to be. I loved this and will always this, but I don’t like the structure the high school classroom setting requires.

So, after all of this, I have come to accept that your plans may not be God’s plans for you. Plans are just things you want or things other people want for you, and if they don’t work out, you make new ones. The Dalai Lama once said, “Figure out who you are and do it on purpose.” Don’t settle for something you don’t want to do or someone you don’t want to be. Be who you are and what you do with your life will fall into place.

There have been many changes in my life over the past few months, so here’s to the New Year and a new beginning.

New Year’s Eve Survey 2010

2.

1. What was the best part of last year?

Spain.

2. What was the worst part of last year?
Leaving Spain, leaving my job.

3. What was the biggest surprise of last year?
Being diagnosed bipolar.

4. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
I left a job before my contract was up.

5. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember last year’s resolutions, and I will make more for next year. In 2011, I want to live in the moment more, create balance in my life (work, exercise, friends) and have a relationship.

6. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin Larisa gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who I adore.

7. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a wonderful man named Tim Farley, who was a close friend of my
Grandfather’s and who was in charge of the annual father/son/grandfathe/granddaughter baseball pool.

8. What countries and/or states did you visit?
I was living in Spain for part of the year and travelled to several parts of Spain. I also visited Morocco, England, and a little bit of France (Biarritz).

9. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Peace of mind.

10. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 8^th—the day I left Spain.
November 30^th—the day Gaby was born.

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to ask for what I need (still learning) 

12. What do want to do better? / What was your biggest failure?
I would like to spend more time with my family and grandparents. My biggest failure was not being strong enough to control my emotions and behaviors, which lead to resigning from a job I might have been successful in.

13. What was the best thing you bought?
The best things I bought were plane/train tickets, a painting in Morocco, and paint/decorations for my room.

14. What was the best thing someone gave you?
A plane ticket from Shannon to L.A. for my birthday.

15. What song will always remind you of 2010?
“If I Die Young” (The Band Perry), Glee songs, and “Back to December” (Taylor
Swift)

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Yoga, speaking Spanish, traveling, spending more time with my brother.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money, complaining about things that don’t matter.

18. What was your favorite TV program?
The Amazing Race, Law and Order: SVU, House

19. What was the best book you read?
“Eat, Pray, Love”

20. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...

21. What did you want and get?
Half of the year in Spain.

22. What did you want and not get?
To stay in Spain and to move out.

23. What was your favorite film of this year?
“The Blindside”

24. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 24 and we went to Sino in Santana Row with WWD crew. I spent the weekend in LA with Shannon and MegJ

25. What’s one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Staying in Spain.

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
European/Spanish.

27. What kept you sane?
Tinto de verano, tapas, friends, family, Spain, and faith.

28. Who was the best new person you met?
Gaby, Nurses Kevin and Amy, Melinda, Valerie, and Tavius.

29. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Things don’t always go the way you planned, and that’s okay.

30. What are you most thankful for this year?
Doing what I never thought I could do—making a decision just for me

31. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Todo lo que quiero se escapa de las manos; eso es lo que no quería admitir…y no sé manejarlo.” –Julieta Venegas


“No voy a sentirme mal si algo no me sale bien.” – Fito & Fitipaldis

Happy New Year / Feliz Año Nuevo / Felice Anno Nuovo to everyone!

Bendiciones para todos / Blessings to all,

-Kel